October 12, 2008


The blinding wolf rage is gone for the most part... I'm back in control now... I guess I have Uncle Charlie and the pack to thank for that... They kept me from destroying the bastard responsible for Rick's murder... I still don't know if I should thank them or hate them for that...

Chief Rawlings "suggested" I take a leave of absence on bereavement pay... The only thing I have left to get me through the fucking day and he wants to take it away from me... What's worse is that the department's forcing me to see a shrink in the process... And if I don't show actual progress or signs of "opening up" and "healing" I don't get my shield back... A girl loses it on a suspect one fucking time and she's labeled as a potential rage addict who's mad from grief...

Let's see you have your entire world torn out from beneath you and see if you don't fall.


Janna, our pack psychiatrist, the one who encouraged me to start writing this fucking thing, says I should take the leave, spend some time at the pack house and just grieve... Like I'm some fucking porcelain doll who's this close to shattering...

Maybe she's right... Maybe I am teetering on that raggedy edge... If I really do fall completely the pack will have to put me down... Like a dog...

I owe him more than that...

I've tried to just sit down and cry it out, but all I can feel is this raging anger that overpowers everything else... This fury and hatred burning in my veins like poison...

I put Chavez in the hospital for four months... Four months... And I still don't think the bastard was punished enough! I want to bathe in his blood... I want to tear out his spine and eat his heart...

There is literally no color in the world anymore... Just black and white with shades of gray... There is no warmth or life... Just a frozen wasteland, a shadow of what once was and may never be again...

My soul is dead... It died with him... All that's left to me now is the job... I'm not even sure if I can do that anymore... Not here... Maybe Rick had been right... Maybe a transfer will be the best... For everyone...